I wish I could pee standing up

In the hazy afterbirth of "American Idol," I just have to say a few words. Number one: I'm glad it's fucking over! It was ruining my life. Well, not really -- I didn't see the big announcement that...Letter B: Carrie won. Big surprise there. I don't really care, even though my apparent obsession is proving me wrong.

So there you have it. Case closed. You don't have to hear any more about that -- until next season. Now you get to hear about my upcoming adventures in the wild and wacky outdoors. Yes, ladies and goobers, I'm going camping.

There will be much drinking, laughing, squatting to pee and wiping my legs and ankles as I nonchalantly make my way back to do some more drinking and laughing. Details coming to a monitor near you. And don't believe anything monday evening writes about it.

I totally thought I was gonna be Padme...

See what Revenge of the Sith character you are!

I'm 81% Yoda, 69% Annakin Skywalker. I can see the Yoda thing (mostly because I'm a helluvan acrobat when fighting the bad guys), but the only thing that makes sense about me being 69% Annakin is that I'd like to 69 him...you know, before the fiery disfigurement and breathing problems.

Internal melee

O mon dieu. Yes, people, the deconstructionist is alive and well and still writing -- only not in the blog...cover letters to be exact. You see, I have no job. I know you knew that. Only, I didn't.

For the past two and a half months, I've lived the high life (and not like the free-lovin' hairy armpitted hippies circa 1972...more like the cigarette-smoking, wine-sipping well-groomed trust fund yuppie wannabe circa 1986). Tax return season came and went, and although I've always had my dreams of being a successful professional oozing with fabulosity in mind, I've been a bit lazy in my search for the perfect job.

For example, I wake up at 8:30 am. I'm sure some of youse guys are rolling your eyes in jealous disgust, but hear me out, people. It's really easy to sleep till noon when you're your own boss and well, I'm not gonna go into defensive mode over this one.

Anyway, I piss away my mornings drinking coffee, searching the Internet, writing e-mails to my one friend who pisses away his morning as well, only in his office -- at WORK -- and then I'm off to work out, the one good thing that's come of my recent self-inflicted unemployment.

Lunch, shower, a little bit of TV and all of a sudden it's 2 in the afternoon. I freak out and either write a much-dreaded cover letter and tweak the resume and send it out into the void or try to think of ways to contribute to my sad portfolio and if I'm lucky, actually write something with the best intentions of contributing to the portfolio. Then in a fit of self-doubt, scrap the project and go to the grocery store and see all the mommies with their stretch pants and name-brand purses that are bigger than mine, another sign that I'm not ready for this kind of life yet. This girl needs to make some serious money first.

Which brings me to the point of this post. So I've stepped up my game and although my heart's been broken a couple of times (I've been turned away from some really great prospects as of late), I've devised a plan to keep on keepin' on, to heed the advice of the Brady kids. Only I will kick it up a notch and not let myself be paralyzed by procrastination and self-doubt. Or rejection (those mutherfuckers don't know what they're missing).

So, yeah. If I haven't alienated all five of my readers yet, thanks for reading and letting me indulge in this semi-public display of inert spoiled-ness.

Now that Anthony's gone, who's gonna love me now?

So I just watched American Idol and if I could just get my mind off Ryan Seacrest (for those of you folks who don't know, I *fancy* him) for a moment, I have a few things to say.

Simon -- (totally hot, too, by the way) his piercing directness makes the show "real" in a way, although his blatant partiality for Carrie is making me want to stab him with the CD case of her first record (because she's totally getting a deal whether or not she wins).

Paula -- Okay, at first I thought she was a sad sauce monster/pill popper...until I saw her biography. Wait, don't laugh. She's been through hell and now I kind of like her. She's got spunk. [insert really inappropriate joke about my new friend, ya filthy pigs]

Randy -- Oh. I see a pattern here. I don't feel like going down the list just because and seeing that I really don't have anything to say about him, I'll just move on.

Carrie -- She's being groomed for first place which I think is bull shit, but it's understandable, considering the top dogs will probably suck the most money out of her. If you ask me, Vonzell's the better singer and has better stage presence.

Vonzell -- Should be the winner.

Bo -- I'm over the whole rocker thing, but I definitely prefer him to that creepy ogelly-eyed other dude. Yeah, I know his name, but even his name is creepy. I can never hear "My Funny Valentine" without shuddering now. Thanks, thanks a lot.

And finally, Anthony -- poor, sweet Jon Secada-Clay Aiken-Barry Manilow-esque Anthony. Many moons ago, I, too, fell for the whole hole-in-the-neck story, but alas, his sappy tale and mediocre vocals are finally out of my television and now I have to develop another non-crush on another young blonde guy.

I get five points for posting

Mood: typical – slightly crotchety, hints of guilt, lethargic and anxious.
The weather today: humid, cloudy, warm.
Substances ingested so far (11:30 a.m.): two cups of coffee, two cigarettes, a piece of apple pie and a glass of sparkling water.
Blogs I’ve lurked today: mine, boyanachronism, I ate it and curious cassie.
Blogs I will lurk later today: tequilamockingbird, eurotrash and kim wells.
Resumes sent today: zero.
Resumes will send today: probably one.
Motivation for sending prospective resume: money, boredom.
Probability of doing an online personality test: about 40 %.
The song that’s invaded my head and won’t leave: the theme song to “Aqua Teen Hunger Force” -- …cause we are the Aqua Teen…make the homies say ‘ho’ and the girlies wanna scream…

Goodbye Natalie, Hello Hotlips!

As a sort of early mid-year review, I've conjured this list to highlight some observations I've made about this crazy college grad in the twilight of her post-college era and the dawn of a new one: adulthood.

Things I did last year that I don't do anymore:
1. Have friends over at any time of the day: In our little college town, it was not uncommon for fans (I mean, friends) to pop by and watch "A Wedding Story" or "Elimidate" with me in between classes. It was also not uncommon for them to come back at 10:30 p.m. and crash out on the couch.
2. Drink every day: It's not as bad as it sounds, but I'm glad I can now find other ways to spend an evening.
3. Spend countless hours on the couch, clicking the clicker: Again, not as bad as it sounds, but...yeah.
4. Agonize over the thought of calling a prospective employer to "follow up": Well, maybe the thought still makes me breathe heavily and seek the rosary, but I accept the "follow up" call as a fact of life. Plus, now that I've had a piece of the proverbial capitalist pie, I want some more.
5. Drink Lone Star: It tastes like bananas and gives you the worst headache the next day.
6. Fear going anywhere alone: I realize now that I can't live that way. Sometimes, a sister just needs her milk and calling a friend to come along is just plain inconvenient.

Things that I do now that I didn't do last year:
1. Scrub the bathtub.
2. Send "thank you" cards.
3. Rejoice in the delicious joys of tax returns.
4. Get invited to weddings.
5. Use eye cream.
6. Exercise.
7. Experience the major difference between the week and the weekend.
8. Send e-mails to my friends' work addresses.
9. When in social situations, not limit my conversation to only sex, beer and finals.
10. Talk about vacations (not taking place during Spring Break).

Things I did last year that I still do now:
1. Drink two cups of coffee as part of my morning routine.
2. Watch reality TV and "All My Children."
3. Shop with Boyanachronism.
4. Visit my parents whenever I can.
5. Look for the perfect job.
6. Have delusions of grandeur.
7. Tell dirty jokes to anyone who's listening.